The Best Person for you is Against You

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The Best Person for you is Against You

I’ve heard a few times from clients “how do I have what you have in a relationship”.  What they are really asking is how do I create a loving, healthy and connected relationship.  I know from those comments of wanting what I have isn’t really what they are asking.  I know that because that question will come off the heels of a comment I make or some reference to the love of my life, Bill.  I tell a lot of stories in sessions and often to illustrate a point I will use my own experience of being married to the person I love for the past 23 years and counting.  I adore him and I know he loves and adores me too.  But hey that’s really what clients are seeking under that question.  

I give them the typical spiel which really isn’t a spiel at all but rather contains truths across the board.  Bill and I are certainly not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  We have our “clashes” like everyone else.  What is different though is how we view those clashes.  There is a recognition among all societies that “relationships take work and that everyone has arguments”.  All of which is true.  

There is a Jewish saying that I obtained from my sister Jeanie one day (she is Jewish) while we talked on the phone.  I was talking about how relationships are riddled with conflict that is intended to help us grow.  She agreed and told me that there is an old Jewish saying Donna “the best person for you is against you”.  I agree but let’s break it down and see what that means.

What it means is that the best person for anyone is someone who challenges you and makes you feel uncomfortable.  To challenge you is someone who will exert their boundaries when you (like me/Bill and pretty much everyone else) tromps on another’s needs/wants/desires etc etc.  They push back on you which requires you to make a choice.  What’s the choice, you might ask?  Well it means you can choose to defend yourself (likely if you are triggered) but better is to recognize that you may have intentionally or unintentionally hurt/offended or whatever the other person and now you need to apologize.  Tough one right?? It is.. but here is a pearl of wisdom from that fantastic man I’m married to ….”Donna when I offend/hurt/disrespect/aren’t considerate of you, you will call me on it.  I have a choice to either look in the mirror and not like what’s looking back and apologize to you and we have a discussion about it.  In that you make me a better man”.  And guess what “he does the same to me”.   

We all have trauma of some sort but as an adult we have a choice about our triggers as they get raised by someone else.  That choice either gets defensive and our egos take over justifying all the reasons why we were “justified” in saying or doing what we do OR……”apologize and let the other know it was unintentional or intentional and ask to talk.  And that my friends is what it means “The best person for you is against you” or simply put the best person helps you become a better person via your triggers and wounds and defensiveness. That’s what we keep in mind whenever we are triggered.   Taaaaaa Daaaaa

“Until next time, remember “the best person for you is against you”.  Love to you All, Donna